List me do

My blogging skills (if you could ever call them that) have completely vanished. I also need an ability to write a CV that will make CIMA think that I've had enough experience as an accountant to become fully qualified. I expect even a blank piece of paper will make CIMA think this as the yearly membership fees pretty much double once you're fully qualified.

Anyway, seeing how I've run out of things to say I'm going to the lazy guide to blogging and see if they have any ideas for... Hmmm, no not really had any interesting food, nothing funny happened at work*, ah this one sounds easy enough to do.

New things I have bought this week

• Scott Pilgrim 2. Seeing how play didn't have this in stock when I ordered it, I got it from my local comic shop. Which took two weeks to arrive. It's very good though & is the only comic book that Freya likes. Sorry Gillen I tried.
• An Optimus Prime mask that makes me sound like a very camp robot. I still love it though.
• The latest SFX came through the post. It looks alright, but I'm really starting to like DeathRay. Except that it has about five highly self indulgent pages and very poor page design.

That's all I can think of. Cheerio!

* Although I did make someone laugh by saying "A lot of people have been born in Germany". I foolishly left out an important word "A lot of English people..."

A total shower

Just spent a long weekend in Munich. Was highly enjoyable, but three annoying things happened:

• Missed on Kieron Gillengan and Jamie McKelvie's comic signing at Travelling Man. Bah.
• Stayed at the Hilton in Munich. Which sounds good, except it had a shower that never stayed at the same temperature. This resulted in constant Fat Boy Slim style mixing of the hot and cold taps. And me nearly burning my feet off.
• Flew with Easyjet. Was delayed both times. The second time it was because the tyres went flat when the passengers got on board. So Easyjet had to fly spare tyres in from Stansted. Resulting in a five hour delay. Meaning that (once we got through a massive passport check at Stansted) we got home at half ten rather than four thirty.

Other than that, beer is amazing. And I want to work in Japan.

Time for a joke

I remember a letter in Amiga Power that mentioned the best line to say when someone mentioned Timbuktu. It was: "Tim bucked two? I haven't even bucked one yet!"

I had a similar joke which I had never had the opportunity to use. Until today. Gary was moaning about how everyone at the office was away next week.

"Ben's off. Craig's off. Matt's off. Helen's off."

I saw my chance.

"Dino's off too."

Gary looked at me strangely as though he was trying to work out who the hell Dino was in our team. Then he realised. And laughed.

So it was a funny joke. My work there was done.

Unfortunately it was 11 and I had to stay for another four and a half hours.

SQUASH UPDATE:

Last week I finally beat Natalie at squash, but it was decided that this was because she had eaten two sandwiches rather than one. Indeed we drew again today. After I went 3 games ahead & then faded A-Rod style to let Natalie draw three all. I did manage to smash the ball against the back wall and reach the front wall which was a personal target I managed to hit.

But then I played Helen who was rather good at squash and she wiped the floor with me. Bah.

Boo Radleys, JATMC, Oasis

I'm incredibly rubbish at doing anything that involves creating anything. My artistic side has never developed past drawing people with googly cartoon eyes. As soon as I could I got rid of my Art and Technology lessons for German and Double Science.

I can remember my Dad teaching me ("posh word for sewing" - ed) in Middle School. For this we had to design and make our own pencil case. So I did one about Nottingham Forest. Except with my amazing foresight and planning I did the kit sponsors name too big so it had to go on two lines. It read:

Shipsto-
nes

And, yes, I cared so little about my work that I put the hyphen in.

In art I can distinctly recall my art teacher being really impressed with a feather I was sketching in chalk/charchol. Apparently I was quite good at copying the individual lines of the feather. But I decided that this was because we were coming up to choosing our options for GCSE and he wanted me to choose Art. And I wanted to get as far away from Art as possible.

Which is why I was dreading Friday at work. Because, in some weird attempt at 'team bonding' it was decided that we would paint a local charity's office. Having no interest in DIY I was not happy about having to do this. This pretty much nullified any chance of success the day was going to have in making me part of the team.

It didn't help that the rooms we had to paint had desks that were too big for the rooms (making it impossible to open the door fully or put ladders up), had cork boards that we had to take down using scrapers (leaving my hand bloody and the wall looking terrible) and that I was so rubbish at painting that the original paint colour was still peeking through.

So my handyman career ended the same day it began. However thinking about it I have created one thing I think looks alright. It's a Sophie Ellis Bextor desktop background. Here it is:

Sharks

That's it, my PC is definitely not good for playing games. Half-Life 2 keeps crashing everytime I try to play it. It's also done it when I was playing Trackmania and Outrun 2. But it never crashes if I'm playing MMO games. Strange.

Anyway, someone I know at work has had laser eye surgery. When I first heard of laser eye surgery I thought it meant that actual lasers were put into your eyes, bionic man style. The laser would then be used to focus the eyes.

Unfortunately it's even worse than that. They scrape your eyes back and fiddle the corneas (or something) with the laser until they work. This is why, when my eyes finally play up*, I will be sticking with glasses. It's because I'm extremly squeamish about touching my eyes. Contact lenses are right out too. So when I finally become boss-eyed for life what kind of glasses should I get?

Type 1
The Lennon












I don't think these are going to work for me. They give the air of someone who thinks they're intelligent, but in reality are not. Unless of course you're this guy:









Who is stupid and gives the air of being stupid.

Type 2
The thick style












I quite like this look & think I could pull it off. The only problem with this is that everyone at work who wears glasses wears a style similar to this. So either I leave my current job or choose a different pair. Or just get over myself (or under) and get that kind.

Type 3
The secretary style










As worn by Janine of The Real Ghostbusters. This is the half-moon style that is usually used by Secretaries as reading glasses. I doubt this will be my style as it's mostly worn by women. And I don't think red frames would suit me.

Type 4
The eyepatch











Seeing how I'm only going to go blind, or at least blurry in one eye I think the eyepatch is a viable alternative. Plus I would have a decent fancy dress costume to fall back on.

It would get boring after the first few parties though.

* +0.25 in my right eye currently. Whatever that means.

Squash update

I drew another match this Wednesday. This time there was no 9-0 thrashing so I'm getting better. In fact I went two games in the lead before my lack of fitness started to tell.

I'm more surprised by the fact that my legs don't hurt for five days afterwards like they did when I first started this whole thing. Wow, doing exercise gets you fit, who'd have thought it?

In work news I'm having to use Microsoft Access, which is not user friendly, but I'm managing to get it to do what I want. Although it's taken me the best part this week to get that far. Imagine if I had to do something slightly more difficult than multiplying some numbers? My mind boggles. Or falls asleep, I forget which.

Device management

My PC is having a phantom device problem. Everytime I load up the PC it decides that I've plugged in a new piece of hardware which needs installing. Except I haven't.

And even though EVERY TIME I tell it to 'not tell me about this again' it tells me about it again. Grrr. PC's eh?

I might do a windows update and see if that will help. It might even make Half-Life 2 work, although I've given up on that myself.

Clerks the first

Freya & I watched Clerks the other day. I liked it, but was very surprised to see my work colleague Tom in there as Oleg. I might ask Tom if he's ever tried making Truck Bezerker.


Tom, with me

Oleg making ("cluck" - ed) BEZERKER!

I move in usual ways

As you'd expect for a couple who are getting married, Freya & I are looking at how much houses are to buy. And then deciding we'll have to save for about another 3 years before we can get a reasonably nice house.

In our search for house prices in the york area we found this:
http://212.50.188.108/cgi-win/vebra.cgi?details1?src=vebra&PropertyCode=1461001/REDHO/17903/1
I'm guessing it's a joke page put on there by the developers, but still five grand is still too much for us to pay.

How to get fit

The best way to get fit is to do some exercise. The only problem with this is that you have to do some exercise. If you've spent the past four to seven years sitting on your arse then you'll find your legs fail to work for about five days after trying to get fit.

But I've given it a go. And I feel even more tired than I did before. This is my exercise diary.

Saturday 2nd June
Ran around the Cricket pitch. Took about 10 minutes to do so, although I did have to stop jogging about three times due to exhaustion. Decide to blame it on the sunshine, but absolved moonlight and goodtimes of any guilt. It was exceptionally hot.

Checked my pedometer at the end to see how far I had ran. Apparently my ten minute jog took only 50 steps to do and resulted in me running 20 metres. Looks as though I might have to increase the sensitivity for the next time I run.

Wednesday 6th June
Legs still not working, but foolishly decide to challenge fellow Persistency colleague Natalie to a squash match. I have never played squash before, but being largely rubbish at any racquet sport I expect a defeat.

I lose, but actually manage to win the first game, which surprised me considering Natalie plays Squash/Badminton about twice a week and I'm crap. However I did lose the second game 9-0, partly due to knackering myself in the first game. Managed to get through the men's shower challenge as well.

Friday 15th June
Squash rematch. This time it was a 2-2 draw. Once again I win the first game and then lose the second 9-0. Obviously stamina is a problem for me. Did some rather decent shots, but didn't have a clue how I actually managed to do them. This is similar to the 'power serves' on Wii Tennis, how do they happen?

Yet to do another run, because I hate doing them. Might try once the weather clears up. But squash is rather fun though. Although I might change my mind if I play someone half-decent as Natalie admits she's rather crap as well.

Oh and I've played a load of Wii Sports and Wario Ware as well. Does that count as exercise? The Dr. Crygor bit involves doing loads of squats so I'm counting them whether you like it or not.

In other news Freya has bought her wedding dress off ebay*. I had to do the auction sniping for it, but wasn't allowed to view the dress, which caused some logistical problems. But it has now arrived and is pretty according to Freya. And the ring arrived last Sunday as well. I have seen this and it is very pretty.

* Link added from an e-mail I have without images, so I still haven't seen it. But you can. Let me know what you think of it.

Serious and Seriouser

"We need to talk"

Four words men never want to hear from their Schatz.

I turned the television off. As I knew I would drift off and start watching it no matter how serious the conversation got.

"If we're going to get married next year we need to start saving money."

This I knew. We'd just spent a lot of money on going to Japan. And since coming back I spent a lot on an engagement ring (which still hasn't arrived). Then I spent two hundred and fifty quid on a Wii (which is great) and seventy quid on some trainers to get fit (one ten minute run, one loss at squash and two aching legs). So my bank account was rather low.

And Freya was aware of this.

"I know you managed to put some money away that was left over at the end of the month, but I think you should start up a direct debit and save some money for the wedding. And also save some for yourself as I know you spent all of your savings on Japan."

This made sense. I needed to save money and I'm the kind of person who if they have some money in the bank will usually spend it. I spoke of my agreement to this plan.

Unfortunately Freya didn't see to cotton on to that fact that I thought she was right & got into a bit of a panic about me not saving money. Luckily I think she finally believes me. And I have now set up the direct debits.

"I love you Ben"

Anyway, what about this for the top of the wedding cake?

Fridays Feast no. 9

Appetizer
Name something you think is “the best.”
I’d say Pulp’s This Is Hardcore is “the best” album ever. For some reason, if I hear any song from it at random on my mp3 player I have to flip back and listen to all of it. It is an unskippable album, even the dodgy track near the end where Jarvis comes on all Fat Harry White. No other album holds my attention like it.

Having said that I haven’t listened to it for a while…

Soup
On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 highest), how stressed are you today?
Started off at 4. Then it went up to 10 when a big Director rang me up asking for some figures within an hour. Then it went back to 4 when I realised the figures wouldn’t have been the best things to use in a meeting with the Chief Exec.

Salad
What kind of cleanser do you use to wash your face?
Nothing. Which might explain why my face is always very dry. I might give Clarins for Men a go soon as my Mum bought me a pack for Christmas.

Main Course
Tonight is a blue moon! What is something that you believe only happens “once in a blue moon.”
I wake up without immediately wanting to go straight back to sleep.

Dessert
When was the last time it rained where you live?
Yesterday. While I was walking home. My suit trousers were drenched before I reached the first corner & it takes twenty minutes to walk home. I had to have a bath when I got home I was so cold and wet. The suit’s going straight to the dry cleaners today!

Fridays feast is a meme that comes out every Friday at this website. I use it to give me something to write about.

Friends

Ah now I realise why I don't go on myspace that much:



I'm guessing they might be trying to add me as a friend because I took pictures of one of their marches. But that was only because I thought it was a pretty daft way of trying to see your kids.

The really annoying thing is I've already denied them once, but they've sent me a second invite. I'll decline this one as well and if they try one more time then I'll write them a strongly worded e-mail. Whilst dressed as The Thing.

Fridays Feast no. 8

I'm starting this up again as I'm having a severe bloggers block and just need anything to write about.

Appetizer
Name a sound you like to hear.
I used to like the drip of a tap, but since the one in our kitchen in on the blink & runs constantly I'm going against that. I like rain against the window. As long as I'm safe indoors and don't need to go out.

Soup
What is your favorite kind of cheese?
None. I hate cheese. It's the stringiness I don't like. And the smell. And probably the taste (although I've never eaten any).

Salad
Do you sleep late on Saturday mornings? Why or why not?
I try to sleep in as long as possible. Usually because I'm very lazy. Also I never have anything important to do on a weekend, so why not stay in bed?

Main Course
When was the last time you forgot something? What was it, and how long did it take to remember it?
Not to go for the obvious joke, but I honestly can't remember. I never forget birthdays, so it can't be that. Freya forgot to lock the back door when we went on holiday to Japan, but luckily she noticed after five minutes.

Dessert
Fill in the blank: I notice ____________ when _____________.
I notice my feet point inwards when I trip up over them.

Relax girls, he's engaged

As hinted previously, I am now engaged to Freya. This feels very good. But expect all of you are desperate to know how I proposed to her.

Being a very unimaginative person I was planning on just getting down on one knee and asking her. After chatting to Cathy online and putting a few comments on Momo's club wed/dread I realised that this wouldn't be that romantic or memorable. And the answer would definitely be no if I did this.

So I brainstormed* with Cathy some ideas for proposing. One good idea was to get a kitty and put the ring in it's collar, but seeing how I didn't want to get a ring without Freya choosing it this option wasn't wise. Plus I hadn't spoken to the landlord to check if we could get any animals. So that was out.

Cathy said check out some other engagement stories on the web. Most seemed to involve a little too much planning. I wasn't going to arrange to meet in a park and then have a billboard say 'Will you marry me?'. For a start, I'm not the most confident and also I'd like the act of proposing to be rather private**. Me and Freya are rather shy people, and whilst I like the idea of shouting out 'I LOVE THIS WOMAN!' I also know I'd be looking very sheepish afterwards, and when proposing it's best you don't look ashamed by it.

So it needed to be somewhere quiet, romantic, memorable and done in an imaginative way. Luckily I was going to Tokyo in May, so that could be pretty memorable. We might also be going to Mount Fuji so that could be quiet. Hopefully the act of proposing would be romantic in itself. Then I had a great lightbulb moment for making it imaginative.

I would get someone else to ask me. Funshine Bear, the care bear who I bought for Freya at the beginning of our relationship (after she complained about her Mum getting rid of her older one when she was young) could ask her via the use of Bob Dylan style sound cards. Cathy said this sounded good.

Then just as we were getting ready for Japan, Freya said something that made me worried. She'd been looking at Club wed/dread and thought it was good. Had she read my comments saying I was going to propose? I panicked and told Freya I had a surprise for her in Japan. This got her all excited. I knew this was bad when she mentioned it every hour on the train to the airport.

Checking my e-mail at the hotel before we flew out to Japan I had an e-mail from Momo (regarding the proposal). Freya saw this, but I told her it was private. And panicking I then told Freya that Momo said the surprise was stupid so I shouldn't go through with it. Sorry Momo, but I had to calm her down somehow.

Then we got to Japan, and I couldn't propose. How was I going to find somewhere quiet to propose in the busiest city on Earth? Luckily Freya helped by deciding that on Saturday we would go to Fuji Five Lakes in the shadow of Mount Fuji. Hmm, this could be the chance I was after...

So Saturday came & we got to Lake Kawaguchi, only to find that when sitting by the lake you couldn't see Fuji. Darn. There was a cable car, so perhaps if we went up there we could see it?

One cable car ride & we could.

Fuji looked beautiful. However, everyone on the cable car was milling around this area where a model of a raccoon was being tortured by a rabbit. Not terribly romantic. I could see a path leading further up. If I could persuade Freya to walk up there, maybe we would find a private clearing and I could say (or show) those words.


Yeah I guess that looks quite romantic.

We sat on the bench for a while taking in the view. Then I rummaged in my bag for the photos of Funshine (whilst sneakily getting on one knee).

"Freya, I've decided and I think you should have your surprise."

Freya looks at the first picture ("WHOOP! WHOOP!") and laughs.

The second picture ("Bear loves Schatz very much") got an "awww I love you too".

Third picture said "Will you marry me?". Freya was shocked, "Is this a joke?"

"I love you very much, will you marry me?"

"Of course!" She started to cry, lots. I welled up a bit too (strong men also cry). And I gave her a big hug and kissed her, lots.

The fourth picture ("Pleasey?") made her smile. But I think the third one was the best.

We sat on the bench for about five minutes just hugging each other and smiling.

Then some Japanese girls walked past and I press-ganged one of them into taking a picture of us:

See I'm even wearing a shirt so I look smart.

Then we decided to carve our initials into a tree. I think Freya was a bit annoyed I used our pet name initials rather than our proper ones, but it still looks good.


Now all we have to do is arrange the wedding. *Gulp*

* Great Ben, make it sound like a business meeting

** Which is why I'm blogging about it

I've got the runs

I'll write more about my amazing trip to Japan over the coming weeks, but for now I want to go on about before I got engaged and decided to play some football in a UK versus Sri Lanka match.

As regular readers might know, I'm not very fit. About every two months I mention that I should perhaps join a gym. I never do, but merely thinking about doing so is the closest I get the physical activity in those two months*. So when the chance to play in a football match came up I was reluctant to put my name forward. I should have remained reluctant.

One problem I had was that it was raining, not heavy rain but enough to make the grass slippy. The grass had also been recently cut causing further slippage. Finally I was playing in Converse one star trainers, which never have the best grip.

The result? 8-1 to us. Oh, and I fell over before even reaching a ball. I didn't feel too bad afterwards, but in the morning? It was hell. The next morning? Just as bad. This lasted for about 5 days after the match.

And walking all around Tokyo didn't help my legs too much either. At Enoshima my legs really started to hurt again.

So now I'm thinking of getting fit again. But I know I won't join a gym, so perhaps I should just start jogging. One thing I saw in Japan was Nike Plus. This is where Nike & Apple have joined forces so your ipod connects to your trainers and can tell you how far you've run through your headphones. I'm sure an expensive gadget like this will get me fit.

Problems? I'd have to buy an ipod nano, when I really want a video mp3 player. Also I've usually shyed away from ipods, due to them breaking after one year and one day (see also why I haven't bought an Xbox 360). And I've got a wedding to pay for, can't waste it on trying to get fit. But then shouldn't I look my best for the wedding? Argh, I don't know, I'm still jetlagged.

* Well not the closest, but I doubt you want to hear about the closest I get...

Back in the office

She said yes. More on how & where tomorrow. I'm exceptionally happy about it.

I will be out of office

from 03/05 to 17/05. As I will be in Japan.

This doesn't explain why I've hardly written anything for the past month, but expect a huge blog when I return.

Byeeeeeee!

Yes I am Stupid

So my head isn't getting bigger. The reason why my headphones weren't fitting over my ears was because the speakers can move up and down.

Yes I am Stupid.

California

So farewell The OC. You've been with me & Freya from the start of our relationship, but now we've outgrown you and we have to go our separate ways. I will remember you for the good things you brought us, Jim Robinson having another hilarious heart attack, Rachel Bilson dressed as Wonder Woman, the phrase "Fists of Fury", Wonder Woman, Peter Gallacher's amazing eyebrows, a Bagel Slicer and Rachel. Bilson. Dressed. As. Wonder. Woman.
But it did get very boring very quickly. This is mostly because as soon as a good character came into the show, they left almost as quickly without even a goodbye. As a memory test to myself I will try to remember their names and what they did.

THE OC MEMORY TEST

• Girl who fancied Seth & was love rival with Summer for the first series. Was called Anna.
• The Guy who was originally Marissa's boyfriend, then had affair with Marissa Mum, then found out his Dad was gay. Think he was called Luke.
• Girl who was Ryan's girlfriend then showed up in OC. Eventually had his baby, but nothing came of this. Melissa?
• Kiki's sister who fancied Tate Donovan. Claire?
• Kimberlee Clarke from Son Of The Beach. Kim?
• The guy who designed the comic with Seth, then fancied Summer. Logan?
• The girl who owned the Bronze style club, then turned Marissa lesbian. For about one episode. Alex.
• Jim from Neighbours long lost daughter who left him after three episodes of knowing him. Lauren?
• The guy who worked at the Newport Group that Kiki fancied. Dave.
• Sanford's first love. Who killed someone in the past. Marie.
• The pool boy. Sanchez.
• Johnny. The surfer who fancied Marissa.
• Even though he was getting off with Heather (a different one), who was the really cute girl in Freaks and Geeks.
• They were friends with S-Wick or some stupid nickname.
• Summers Dad was in it for about 2 episodes & about to marry Juju.

So seeing how it was only around for four series and it was only one hour a week, the OC got through more characters than Home and Away does in ten years.

Anyway, how did I do?

Anna - Correct!
Luke - Correct!
Melissa - False! Theresa
Claire - False! Hayley
Kim - False! Taryn
Logan - False! Zach
Alex - Correct!
Lauren - False! Lindsay
Dave - can't even find him
Marie - can't even find her
Sanchez - False! DJ
Johnny - Correct!
Heather - False! Casey
S-Wick - False! Chili
Summer's Dad - False! Dr Roberts

So you weren't that memorable after all The OC. And I forgot about the lawyer, seven of nine trying to con Kiki, the guy who ran over Marissa, the rich kid who was mental, Ryan's brother. So not memorable at all...


Oh yeah, apart from that.