I fought the war...

...and the war won

So I was about to write a note saying how I was doing the washing up and Pull Shapes came on and it was the best feeling ever, but before I could write it up I sat down. And watched whatever. It's a show on channel four and is rubbish.

If you didn't already think programme comissioners weren't the stupidest people on Earth this show will help you reach that opinion. I shall explain it in this formula:

Why Don't You - Good Presenters + Annoying Youth Gob Presenters + Street Talk ^ Stupidity = Whatever

Blinded by the chancer we had oysters and dry lancers...

...and the cheque went in a rush, we went dutch, dutch, dutch, dutch

OK, so the every weekend an update didn't go according to plan either. But hey at least you're getting one now. At least in the five minutes I've decided I've got before I go to bed.

Work continues apace on AP4. By that I mean I've e-mailed most of the people who wrote bits for it before and got replies from them. J Nash, Mil, C-Monster and Flossie - I salute you.

So I logged onto myspace today (which I just use to keep tracks on music rather than have any proper friends on there) and had the following e-mail:

Hello. Are you very popular online? My best friend and I were checking single profiles online and saw yours. I hope you're available, because she's quite interested in meeting you. She doesn't have an account and not comfortable online dating. She's a student and visiting me from outside the good ole US of A. She'd love to know more about you and really lives close to you. I've done my special part, now it's up to you. You can contact her direclty at: waxy.sarah_p at yahoo. She's uber-smart, speaks many languages and is very very sexy - she's much thinner than I and much healthier overall. Thanks, and have a nice day.

OK, so let's look at this in detail. Am I popular online? My best friend on myspace is Petra Haden and only two people read this blog, so no. Actually we can't look in more detail as I'm already one* minute over. Suffice to say this e-mail freaks me out. In A Bad Way.

* Now two

Shake baby shake...

...You know I can fit you in my arms.

So my blog-a-day kinda got pushed aside for getting a good nights sleep. But I realised that it's not the quantity, but the quality of my blogs that my non-existent readers want. So sorry non-existent readers but you'll be getting the same crap quality about once a week instead of every day.

I suppose you'll all be interested to know that I know have my own website. It is at http://www.yellowreggae.co.uk. All it has on at the moment is a link to this blog, the old AP futurenet site and everything I know about eggs. Possibly the eggs bit is the best.

It's time I tell you what happened in the Larry David Meal. Even though it was about two months ago the reprecussions are still going on.

We went out for a meal with some mates. I had had a crap nights sleep beforehand and was feeling rather rubbish so I wasn't going to drink that much. My mates however had been drinking for a long time.

The meal was rather crap considering it was expensive and therefore is supposed to be good. I'd somehow ordered a pate for my starter, which I normally wouldn't do as I reckon I wouldn't like pate. I turned out to be correct in this opinion.

Freya & I weren't having any wine or a dessert. So (in theory) we should've had less to pay than everyone else. Turned out it was it was just over 270 quid between seven of us. So R & F were asking for thirty quid from everyone. So everyone gave them thirty quid, even myself and Freya - we're not that tight. Then R & F realised they were low on money so started muttering under their breath calling everyone 'peasants' and stuff. Someone else on our table stood up for Freya & I saying that as we'd hardly drunk anything & didn't have a dessert why should we pay more. R & F kept quiet but then F was still muttering.

A bit of a bad ending to the night.

So a few days after I went over to speak to F. He had a face like someone had just shat in his cereal. Then all he said was "I heard what Freya said about me." I didn't have a clue what he meant, although I think Freya did say something as we were leaving along the line's of "F is being a tithead". So all I did was say "Well you were hardly on top form either". And then walked away.

The weird thing is that F and his girlf are now ignoring us despite the fact that we should be more angry with him for what he said about us. However, I'm not really bothered about what he said about us as it was said after three bottles of wine. So why is he still playing up about this? I dunno, the best explanation I can think of is that he's embarrassed about what he did. The best ignoring us situation occured when we walked past them in town. Freya & I smiled at them, they pretended to look at the M&S display. Cut to ten minutes later, we walk past them again and still decide to smile. This time with no display to look at they have to nod. Hurrah! The being nice option pays off again!

From here to there to everywhere...

...And back to Union Square, where do I get some sleep?

Gah! Far too tired again. And I got soaked on my way back from work.

Been enjoying Phoenix Wright though - really had to concentrate.

Spoke to my Grandma to tell her I passed. She seemed happy enough, but she never wants to speak for long on the phone. I think we spoke for about three minutes.

Ah well.

Better get going...

...Better move along now, and find my own way.

Far too late a day at work today to have time to write my blog, read WOS, cook food and watch CSI Miami so something had to go. Sorry blog.

Tomorrow, definitely.

Best go, snooze patrol is here!

We dress cheap...

...we dress trashy

OK, so it's not a massive update but it's a start yes? I bought Phoenix Wright and Trauma Centre today. I'd probably say PW's my favourite at the moment, but both seem to be good little games. I shall write more tomorrow.

Summer in The City...

...means cleavage, cleavage, cleavage.

Wow. Apparently I am now a qualified accountant. Somehow in an exam that I previously had two fourty-five percent marks in (missing on passing by five percent) I have managed to turn things round so much that I got sixty-seven percent this time around. It's even more impressive considering that most people got high fifties as a high pass mark. Either I'm got more cleverer or I wrote in a better style this time around.

I think it was the latterer.

Although it may have helped that I asked for an extra pad to write on. Even though I only used it for one more sheet. Perhaps the marker just couldn't be bothered to look through three pads. I know I wouldn't.

I am now planning to write every day this week. Doubt I will though.

In One More Hour...

...I will be gone

Bye Sleater-Kinney
Two guitarists, one drummer
You were a riot (grrrl)

I can for miles...

and miles and miles (oh yeah)

Haven't written for a while. Will do so soon.

You need another element...

...You need it right away

I've just been to watch Germany - Costa Rica and Poland - Ecuador in the garden of a pub in Osnabruck. It was rather good. We got given free horns, whistles, flags and t-shirts. Would a similar thing be done in England? Probably not. Still, I'm off to Hamburg tomorrow. Hopefully I won't get confused as a hooligan and arrested.

Steve Beale - suited up - How I Met Your Mother
Every summer I appear to go on a magazine buying spree. I try to find a magazine that speaks out to me and manages to be entertaining yet also educational (or I think I'm learning from it anyway). I think the order went:

• Your Sinclair
• Amiga Power
• Loaded
• Esquire
• Possibly back to Loaded
• Total Film
• SFX
• Hotdog
• Word

Part way between SFX and Hotdog I started buying Arena. It was witty, amusing, had people like Kevin Smith writing for it and had pictures of Eliza Dushku in it. It was most enjoyable.

Then Steve Beale started writing for it.

His first article was him having plastic surgery. Mostly to get rid of his bitch tits. His conclusion was 'if you have poor self esteem, having plastic surgery could make you feel better'.

Then he 'gave up' hash. Again his conclusion was the pretty much obvious 'I felt more alert, didn't laze about so much & was more effective with my time'. However despite the benefits he found from giving up weed he still started smoking it by the end of the article.

When he started shagging ladyboys for the purposes for an article I started going off Arena's idea of a black collar worker (which I think is pretty much a guy in a suit, but a bit more independent than usual). In fact I stopped buying Arena completely. If any cute girls are in there (like Linda Cardellini) then I simply download the scans from the internet.

I think it's a bit bad that one guy managed to stop me buying one magazine, but it's that Steve Beale appeared to be considered to be the kind of man that Arena readers should look up to. And I just couldn't do that. Perhaps I'm too middle class for that kind of stuff.

However, since I stopped reading Arena I have actually started 'dressing up' for work as Arena would've wanted and worn a suit to work. For the first few days I got the jibes of "Are you going to a funeral/interview?" but I also got compliments - and mostly from girls!

Wearing a suit has made me feel more confident at work and I think people have altered how they deal with me accordingly. What a difference a tie makes.

But what made me wear a tie I hear you ask? It was Barney from How I Met Your Mother.

For those of you who don't know How I Met Your Mother is a sitcom with less of a standard sitcom way of going about things. It stars Nick from Freaks & Geeks, Doogie Howser MD and Willow from Buffy so already has my seal of approval for the casting alone.

It also gets further approval for having Doogie as a suit-wearing Quip-genius. Because of how Doogie is on the show is the only reason why I've started wearing a suit to work.

I recommend you watch it. Apart from the last two episodes in the first series, which have far too much plot and not enough comedy for my liking.

DS lite
My attempts at getting the frag dolls and readers of this blog to make me buy either an Xbox 360 or a DS lite were a bit crap. The frag dolls just sat on the fence and said "what you want is best for you". God I just wanted an answer either way!

Anyway, when I found out that the DS Lite was being released at the end of June I decided to pre-order one. This is the first time I will ever get a console on its release date. Except the DS has been out for about a year already.

I shall be getting Mario Kart, Animal Crossing and Brain Training before I even have a DS. This is kind of strange, but I think I'll like it.

But now, I feel so weak...

...Dead trees and traffic islands never sleep

So I've spent my first night away from Freya since we've moved in together and I miss her terribly. I know that's a soppy thing to say, but I really do. So why am I spending four (count 'em, four) night away from my girlf? It's because I'm going to the World Cup.

Not to go and see England as I'm not patriotic enough. I've never watched an England international all the way through since about Euro 96. Probably because ever since then they've played ugly, boring, depressing football. This stance causes friction with work colleagues (like at the Larry David Meal) but I don't care. Perhaps tomorrow I'll be swayed when I see England play on the big screen in Hamburg tomorrow. Who knows?

One thing I know I won't be doing is wearing a shirt with the St. Georges Cross on there shouting my head off about England and how we're the best team in the tournament. What's strange is that in the village in Germany where my Mum & Dad live* some cars here have the annoying small English flags hanging out of their windows. I'm sure that if a German tried the same thing in England they'd have a much harder time than the people over here have.

I don't have any evidence to support why I think this. I just have a feeling. And surely that's enough right? ("I agree" - Derek Acorah)

Horse racing
A few weeks ago, just before my second retake of my final CIMA exam, my team went horse racing. Like the previous time I went horse racing (for Sarah's birthday) none of my horses came in. In fact I don't think I've won any kind of gambling thing (apart from a few hands on online poker). But it's not as though I've got bad luck - I correctly told my Dad that Minnehoma was going to win the Grand National. So the problem is that I'm rubbish with my own money.

Best keep it well invested instead then eh? ("I agree" - Nick Leeson).

Tschus!
* In case I didn't mention (which I didn't), I'm staying at my Mum & Dad's house

I've got my hand in your head...

...and I'm pulling out all of your mind.

Ergh. I have a hangover/migraine today and it's not very nice. It's even worse because I only had two drinks (admittedly cocktails) so I have no real reason for feeling like someone just shat in my cereal. Anyway what happened yesterday kind of connects one of the topics I still have to talk about.

Gemma's phone number
Thanks for reminding me.

In case you weren't aware I am crap around girls. I'd say I've fancied around thirty girls, spoken to around ten of these and been on a date with five of these. Most of my girlfriends arose on a drunken journey. This is because girls like confident people and a sober Ben is not confident.

Therefore I am very happy to have a wonderful girlfriend who actually pressured me into calling her back. It takes a lot of pressure away when someone says "I like you". When no-one clarifies that you're left to thinking little things mean someone is saying "I like you". Which brings me onto Gemma's phone number.

I've been getting my haircut by Cube in York and especially by the Lovely Gemma. She is very cute, wears nice clothes (this really means a lot to me) and is into good music. She's been cutting my hair for about 2 years and whilst at the beginning I had a major crush on her this has slowly moved into (gach) friendship.

So anyway, last week (before my accounting exam) Gemma - no, but yes! - was cutting my hair and we were chatting. Mostly it was her stressing about getting a flat with her boyfriend (and me trying to calm her down - it's very scary having a panicky person with big scissors behind you). She was giving the impression that she wasn't happy about moving & settling down - which I'm sure is pre-match nerves and she's probably happily tucked up in bed with said boyf now.

Last week, I calmed her down as best as I could, got a shave by the Turkish guy there (for the first time ever - which actually I should talk about later as well), picked up some leaflet by the cash register and left. When I got home it turned out that the leaflet I picked up was actually some competition entry at Principles that Gemma had filled out and had her mobile phone number on. As I don't know where Principles is I shredded the leaflet* and forgot about it (until now, obv).

So what would I have done if the same thing happened two years ago? Probably the following:

I'd have thought Gemma's worrying about moving in was her saying that she fancied me. Then when she looked at me in the mirror I'd have thought that was a moment between us. Then when she brought the leaflets and I took them home I'd have thought that was her slyly trying to give me her number.

Totally wrong conclusion, natch, but this is what boys do when they are after a girlfriend.

And a similar thing happened last night.

What happened last night

Jon at work has got a promotion & will be moving back to Norwich. So I showed up at the local cocktail bar Monteys where Jon was at the bar with Laura and Lorna. Laura is quite nice (a few too many tattoos for me**) and greeted me by rubbing my arms and touching me lots.

She did a bit more during the afternoon as well. Again I would have taken this as a hint that she fancied me. Then, as I have done now, I would have done absoutely nothing about it. Although at least now it's because I'm happily co-habiting with the lovely Schatzipuss and not because I'm far too chicken to do anything.

Confidence is key.

Bic Runga & bad gig people

So Freya & I went to see Bic Runga at Fibbers on Wednesday. My Uncle Andrew and his girlfriend showed up as well. Aside from a few racist comments by Andrew & Lisa it went ok. Bic Runga was very beautiful and sang amazingly well. Her backing band was in London, but it was much more intimate and special as a result.
What wasn't good was bad gig goers:

• Don't dance by thrusting your groin area in and out. Some bald guy was doing it at the Bic gig and a Boris Johnson a like was doing it at the Goldfrapp gig. Therefore groin thrusting is now called 'doing a Boris'.
• Take pictures if you want, but don't keep putting your digital camera up in the air and taking pictures throughout a song. One or two pictures are fine.
• Don't use a mobile phone for pictures as they will look shit. Dark rooms with bright lights do not mix for phone pics.
• Do fiddle with the settings on your digital camera. But Don't if it keeps bleeping when you press a button. It's very annoying, especially at a quiet acoustic gig.
• Don't go off and get drinks for everyone halfway through the set. And then don't say "Cider" in a loud voice. People may hear that rather than the lovely Bic's voice.
• Sing along to the songs but don't if you don't actually know all the words.

What I should do is now have a Bic Runga video, but they don't have any on youtube. So let's have Cake's Short Skirt and Long Jacket. For a brief period I was looking for a girl who fitted all of the criteria they said. God I was useless. This is a good song, but apparently misses the 'rising action'.

* Don't worry there were loads of competition entries there so Gemma would still have entered it (I hope).

** Actually one tattoo is too much for me.

Well the full moon maggie says the grass is getting shaggy...

...Mow the lawn

Start of the catch-up session whilst Freya's cooing over Fieldmeeces on Springwatch.

No-one reads this anymore
OK, I guess that's not really true as people would have had to had read it in the first place. And I suppose I never really advertise my website. What I should do is random browsing of blogs and post seemingly relevant comments. But I'm really rubbish at that.

Let's consider who've commented on my site:
Shelle
Linzi
Cathy - these three all came because I foolishly mentioned it to them
Kiwiqueen
Bogbumper - these two came here of their own accord (and then left quickly)
Person trying to sell oil - I didn't really understand his point, but thank you oil person!

All very nice people but 6 isn't really enough to consider continuing with this. Or is it?

Hmmm. Let's continue with this tomorrow and see how it goes. I'll go through all the topics later. Oh and I need to add:

Bic Runga & bad gig people

Let's have some Moloko to take us out...

Fell down the stairs into my arms...

...and swiftly ran the other way

It's the usual - Ben hasn't updated for a while so he writes a load of topics down so he can write about them later.

I'm off to pass my final Accounting exam. Wish me luck! (edit - I think I've failed it again)

No-one reads this anymore
Hearts car
Steve Beale - Suited up - How I met your mother
Exam - revision
DS Lite
Gemma's phone number
Ian Collins - Iain Lee - James Whale
Walk round York
Tilly and the Wall
Horse Racing
Larry David Meal

The tower of power...

...too sweet to be sour. Funky like a monkey. Ooooh yeah.

Looking at the 24 review I did makes me feel ill. Because it's rubbish. Perhaps I should've written it down first. Planning is key. Much like the exam I keep failing to become a qualified accountant.

And I need to pass this exam. Not because I'll have no more to do, but because I have promised to get myself either an Xbox 360 or a DS lite when I pass it.

But which should I get? I am torn between the two so I am allowing you, the reader of this blog, or you, the fragdoll forumers to decide. By the time of my exam (May 25th) I will collate all the votes and then start saving my pennies towards that console.

Not to sway you either way, but this is what I think of the two:

Xbox 360

• Live is meant to be excellent. I've kind of played it, but not yet had the full experience.
• However, Live costs money whereas the DS' online is free.
• Graphics are amazing & the speed is impressive.
• However, a £1,000 HD telly is needed & I won't be getting one of them for about three years.
• GRAW and Oblivion appear to be wicked cool
• However I've around eight games for the original Xbox that I still haven't completed. Why do I need new games, shouldn't I complete my old ones first? (I haven't even Beyond Good & Evil yet)
• Although let's be honest, I'm never going to complete Ninja Gaiden

DS Lite

• It's not out yet & may not even be available on results day in June
• Freya would like Animal Crossing & Nintendogs
• However seeing as I can't get near the gamecube as she's always playing AC I may not get near the DS
• It can't play videos like the PSP & doesn't have GTA
• But it will have online Pro Evo
• I could get cleverer by using Brain Training
• Mario Kart on the toilet
• Wario Ware Twisted may finally be out in June - it's been one whole year Nintendo!

The choice is yours...

They call me Mr. Carbohydrate...

...They call me Mister Inadequate

As per usual I'm up far too late and I'm ill. This time I have a bit of a sore throat so I have snucked away from Freya and got some water for my tablets.

Had a good bank holiday weekend. Mum & Dad came over. Saw Andrew & Joe (and Andrew's plastic fantastic gf & her unruly kids). And saw my Grandma & Dennis for the first time in years. All in all a good weekend.

However, I need bed.

I'd rather Jack...

...than Fleetwood Mac. Aka the 24 mobile game review.

The problem with games nowadays is they are far too complicated. Take The Warriors which if it were made 10 years ago it would be a button basher similar to Final Fight, but has now been made as a part-button basher, part stealth 'em up, part annoying running into the camera/running into fences straight in front of you which if the camera were only the other way around you'd see easily. However despite this The Warriors is excellent. It's one of the few games I've completed recently. 24 is the other.

One of the reasons I felt compelled to complete The Warriors was that it felt just like the movie. 24 feels absolutely nothing like the tv show. I just completed it as I needed something to do on the toilet at work.

It's a hark back to the Ocean 8/16 bit multi level film tie ins. The added advantage is that the loading times for each level are about 5 seconds instead of 5 minutes. The disadvantage is that it you have to use the number pad of your phone to play - surely the most annoying control method since the PS2 dual shock pad.

Quick Jack! Hide behind those bookshelves...
They'll never see you there!

It doesn't help that all the games were programmed by people with absolutely no idea of how to make a game playable. The logic puzzles (based on Lights out, basic code breaking and a simple follow the line task) are perfectly serviceable, the driving game are ok (except you have to keep pressing up to accelerate), the action bits are rubbish.

In the main action bit pressing right makes you keep going to the right with no way of stopping unless you change directions or hit something else. The baddies just wander in a direct way to yourself unless a shelf is in the way in which case they just stand there. Through lots of practise you can work out there's a place to wait, occasionally peeking out then running back to the hidey hole waiting for the baddy, shooting them and so on. But for the casual gamer it's going to be impossible for someone to work this out.

The slightly annoying driving bit. Annoying as by accelerating you
put yourself at the top of the screen. Right where the other cars
are coming in.

The stealth bits are also rubbish for people unable to put the hours in. For the first few goes I tried the most direct route, only to eventually discover there was a few safer path just a few steps below.

In your role as a CTU agent you get to allocate agent to the different areas. The game makes careful note to "choose people by their attributes". This would be useful if it actually said what each area entailed. Instead you have to decide whether Chloe or Jack is best suited to the Docks or Club 54. The best example of this is where each area is called Radio Tower and you have to select a person for each area. Once again the game is eliminating all the people who can't be arsed to memorise what levels are contained in each area.

This is why I hate it. And the plot is rubbish too. However you can name your character, so plus points for allowing yourself to be called Agent Osama. That's where he is Bushy!

Probably the best bit of the game - the return of the Elder Puzzle.

If you could change the world with a flick of a switch;

Would you do it? (yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah)



No one tells a Mighty Being how to solve a maze.

24 mobile phone review up tomorrow!

I've got bottles and cans of food...

...filtered water & pictures of you.

Ok so it's 3.30am and once again I should be in bed (sorry Freya) but I've got severe insomnia. Instead of snoozing I've been looking for new redheads to go along with my old list. The original list can be found here.

So who should be included in the new one then? I am proud to display... new hot redheads:

• Alyson Hannigan - how I missed her off the first redheads list I don't know. She's one of the first redheads I ever had a crush on
• Molly from the faders - look at the picture on the profile! Twirling the hair in her hand & huuuuge expressive eyes, just what I like
• Julianne Moore - along with Alyson another one I missed off the first list. A sophisticated actress, who also got her kit off in Boogie Nights
• Lindsay Lohan - She's become progressively worse since she got rid of the gingery-ness. Blonde just doesn't suit the freckles. Crap actress though
• Lita - Possibly another one I left off the original list. However not impressed with the fake boobs, possibly see Linsday Lohan
• Jenny Lewis - I don't know if you'd call her a redhead, but there's a definite tinge there. And she's definitely cute
• Justine Joli - Well she's a rudie movie star, but I found her out through FHM so don't think any bad things about me. Actually buying FHM is almost as bad as buying rudie movies, but she's rather attractive despite this
• Jam - She's a fragdoll, which apparently means she's a role model for young girls to look up for in gaming. And yet for some reason more boys than girls appear to be in their forum. However she does actually appear to know a few things about games so she's a proper gamer. And watch her video about FarCry* for comedy french accents ahoy!
• Freya aka the Schatzipuss - ok she hasn't got red hair but she sure is cute!

Well back to finish watching the Telly Addicts I downloaded & then it's off to bed to wake up two hours later.

* Or Fuckree as the guy says it

Checking out my Wigwam, wigwam, wigwam...

Checking out my boo, boo, boo.

It's nearly 1am and I should have been sleeping at least 2 hours ago. Perhaps I should go there now. Before I go, expect computer news (wow that will scare my remaining two readers away) and also accounting exam detail over the next week.