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Tilly and the Wall haiku

Slow Club:



You thought you were bad
in fact you were rather good
but crap whistlers

Tilly and the wall:



One of you can't sing
can't play bass but can tap dance
you'll go a long way

Kenickie - 10 years gone

I realise it's been ten years, but I still miss them. Kenickie are my favourite band ever. They just sang with feeling. And a mackem accent.

I've liked bands before and since, but I've never felt the same joy when I hear any other band. Plus they sounded like they were having fun too.

They split just as I started Uni at Loughborough and I could've seen them on their final tour at Rock City, but I never found anyone to go with. It's something I regret to this day. Although perhaps seeing them in their dying throes will have soured my memory of them.

I even liked how their first unofficial mailing list was one sent out by someone (Lee?) who bcc'd everyone in so you got a load of messages in one go.

The best bit is I have no idea where I started to like Kenickie from. It might have been C-Monster, who mentioned it in his e-mail about AP. Or J Nash when I asked him about music he liked. Or maybe it was when I got a promo leaflet through the post.

So thanks for everything Johnny X (anything to do with http://www.whoisjohnny-x.com/ ), Emmy-Kate Montrose (writer of the Best Kenickie Song ever), Lauren Laverne (who should just stick to radio rather than sorting out Twiggy's frocks) and Marie du Santiago (the one I fancied, sorry Marie).

I did actually see Kenickie live twice, both times were at Reading Festival. Rather surprisingly BFBS played part of their 1996EDIT: 1997** set on their radio station. I managed to record it onto tape. Now I have converted it into mp3s* for everyone to enjoy. If anyone knows of any reason why these shouldn't be on here, let me know.

Cheers.

• The whole gig as a .rar file


• 01 - Dodgy BFBS Intro


• 02 - How I Was Made


• 03 - I Never Complain


• 04 - Millionaire Sweeper


• 05 - I Would Fix You


• 06 - Classy


• 07 - People We Want


• 08 - PVC


• 09 - In Your Car

* Via Minidisc, then audacity.
** I knew I went to Reading 1998 as this was before I went to Uni, but I could have sworn I missed the one before that. However, I am wrong. Simon, the person Simon was speaking to, and the First Matt were right. Everyone must now change the ID3 tags in the MP3s accordingly.

Haiku Gig Review

Rose from The Pipettes
She wanted to dance/hand jive
Was stuck by keyboard



Film School were loud
And also repetitive
They were also loud



British Sea Power
Very good foliage but
Need Turtle Power

Communication Prbloms

Nice to see the Guardian pays attention to its own words...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2008/oct/07/little.britain

Don't hold your breath for a British series called The Mentalist.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/mediamonkeyblog/2008/oct/03/channelfive.television

Channel Five's new US import The Mentalist

Not 'Arf

The other I've noticed as I've got older is that my belly button fluff has stopped being dark, and is now white cotton. I have no logical reason for this, other than my belly button is racist. I apologise for it's actions.

Premature Awake-ation

I'm ill. As usual it's just a really bad cold/sore throat that has made me spend this weekend not doing a lot and falling asleep during the day. Now, I hate falling asleep during the day as I just feel it's a total waste of the day. Although considering I usually spend the weekend on the PC or the Wii, it's not that much more of a waste. Still, I consider falling asleep during the day to be very much an old man's game and always shy away from it.



This didn't used to matter as I would always spend the weekends waking up at around 11am. But recently I've been waking up around the same times I do to go to work, which is 6.15am. And my body can't take it.

I have a few reasons for this. One is that our bedroom curtains are feeble, and let the light in at the earliest opportunity. I spent eight years living in Germany where they use heavy duty blinds and you wouldn't have a clue what time it was when you woke up. So you went back to sleep.

Also, next door have a really screamy kid. We have thin walls. This combination results in an alarm that is worse than the Meatballs alarm ringtone I made. And unfortunately, Sophie doesn't have a snooze button.

The other thing is, by noticing, this I've realised I'm getting old. I'm at ease with it though as sleeping appears to be the only problem I have with it.

Hair in my nose? When you graze your nostril and feel an unusually long hair, it feels great to pull it out. Plus it's stopped me from picking my nose so much as this is more fun.

Going bald? Yeah I could do without touching places where my hair was and finding nothing there, but it happens. Plus I'm starting to get Mr. Fantastic style grey side bit, which I reckon look alright.

A large belly? That seems to have stopped since I quit booze. Walking to the train station also helps.

But waking up before seven on a weekend? That's just wrong. Going to sleep when you could be watching Hole in the Wall? What a waste of time!

P.S. I realise this blog has made little to no sense. But I point you to my first sentence. I'm ill. Do you people not have any compassion?

Delivery Error

The great thing about the postal service (not the band, who are good, but won't help my argument) is that you pay some money and they will send your parcel anywhere. Now if you want it sending to the other side of the world then it will cost more & if you want it arriving quicker it will also cost more. However, I feel that these are sound reasons to pay more.



Now, it's coming up to my Lovely Wife's birthday and I wish to buy her something nice. And therefore I have found something that is perfect for her*. Except there's one problem: The company don't deliver to the UK.

I'm not asking for you to charge the same amount that you do for American deliveries. I'm not even asking to be treated as a Canadian. Even if you said "It will cost an extra twenty quid to send" I wouldn't mind. At least I'd have the choice to say no.

So either I have to find something else that Freya would like or I could ask the people I know who live in America, see if they will allow me to get it sent to their house and then ask them to send it on. Which is people who read this blog pretty much. So please people of America (and Canadia), help a loving husband out? Obviously all fees will be reimbursed and if you need some English sweets sending over I will be happy to help.

The other thing is: Does a website already provide this service? Because I reckon there could be a gap in the market for this. I'm going to give Duncan Bannatyne a ring and see if he's in. If not, I'll probably get his answering machine.

* I'm unable to say what as she'll no doubt pick this as the one time to read my blog this year. I love you Freya!

Safe sex doesn't mean no sex

OK. I understand the reasoning behind condoms. They prevent sexually transmitted diseases, they help prevent you getting someone pregnant and they can be used as a really awful balloon. So if a main reason is to stop reproduction why are my condoms multiplying?

I don't mean condoms of the winky-guard type, but the Wiimote condoms that stop you scratching your table whilst playing Wii Sports (and thus requiring the services of a French polisher). I bought my Wii before all Wiimotes came with these protectors, so e-mailed Ninty asking for them to send me two.

I received some in February. Then another pair in March. And another pair in June (in fact whilst we were on honeymoon). Now, I sent the extra ones back to Codestorm (the Ninty Service Center bods) and didn't hear back from them.

Until today, obv. When I recieved another pair. This time I have had to resort to the Sternly Worded (But With Some Humour To Show I'm Not A Massive Moaner) E-mail. Hopefully I can go another three months without hearing about them.

Freya was thinking I could sell them on ebay, but as everyone is entitled to some Wii condoms for free I doubt I'd get much money for them. However, Matt Biebly did send me two copies of Deathray Issue One by accident so I will hoarding them. Or perhaps I could give them to the Super Lehmann Brothers so they can clear their massive debts. I am a philanthropist after all.

Anyway ignore all that, and watch this. I promise it's better than Maude:

Women in politics

I do like how the American presidential race is now sexist and racist.  Of course the seventies were much more enlightened.  As my following clip will prove.



The best thing about it is that they spend 30 seconds singing about why women are great.  And then the only thing they have for the star is "And then there's Maude" for about 15 seconds.  Freya thinks it's ironical, but I'm certain irony was discovered in the mid 80s when I started to talk.

Still alive. Still unable to write.

So I'm not dead.  I'm just rather busy with work and don't have time thinking of witty stuff to say.  Not that that hasn't stopped me before, natch.

I do have some stuff to write about though.  I'm going to talk about annoying things about gigs, annoying things about commuting on the train and annoying things about having crap skin.  At least one of those will contain a half-decent joke, all will contain observations that most bloggers have mentioned before.  However I GUARANTEE mine will have more self-deprecating references than any of my rivals!

The latest issue of Deathray says that there are writing jobs available.  This means that I start to wonder about how life would be if I did become a writer rather than an accountant.  And you know what?  I'd still be an accountant, it just would have taken me an extra year to qualify after I wasted twelve months doing something I'm crap at.  Well, not terribly good at.

Still part of me wishes I did have some non office based job.  Like working at a magazine.  In an office.  Or at least something where I can have fun through other methods rather than making slightly sarcastic comments.

I did like my comment in the team meeting though where H* was talking about our big boss.
"He's cool though - he likes Scouting for Girls."
"Yeah.  But he meant it as an activity."

I realise that this is another joke that loads of bloggers have made.  But did they make it in a work based environment? DID THEY? Man, I'm tired.

* Using the initials to avoid libel, unfortunately I do not work with H from Steps.

"high pitched dick"

In Ocean's poor sports game Beach Volley there was one reason to play it. Ignoring the fact that the only way to score was to jam your player in the top right corner and then hit your spike when he jumped off the screen, we kept playing purely to hear the introductions to each country.

They were fairly awful voice samples of the respective countries accents, but they had a charm that made Ash & I giggle. They soon became catchphrases, along with the weird visual images of the wrong handed volleyballer on the title screen.

The first country had the best sample of the game though. To be said in a high pitched Dick Van Dyke in Poppins accent:

"Welcome to Lahndahn."

However the reality isn't so charming.

Moving

Seeing how blogger doesn't have as good iPhone functionality as Wordpress I have moved from (No! But Yes!) blogger to Wordpress. The new page can be found here:

http://uppi17.wordpress.com

Don't expect anything new though. I've not got that far in my new plan.

Amusing Wedding Story Number 3

So it's time for the third Amusing Wedding Story. But first the Slightly Upsetting Wedding Story.



My Uncle has become a bit of a ladies man since getting a divorce and has had about three different lady friends since I proposed to

Freya. Therefore we thought it would be best that he didn't bring a date and instead should attend with his son.

Obviously this spoilt his attempts at getting his end away and he asked us one week before the wedding if his Schtup-Partner could come along. We said no using the short notice as an excuse.

So he got upset and left shortly after the ceremony. The miserable get.

However no need for this to spoil the wedding as Amusing Stories beat Mildly Upsetting Stories 3-1!

We invited my Mum's cousin Glynis to the wedding, along with her husband Frank. Frank's a bit of a bizarre person at the best of times and always says something weird when you see him.

My brother was chatting to him and used one of Frank's old catchphrases "Cut the rug". It took a while for Frank to recognise it, but instead of just laughing he decided to lightly stroke down Tom's arm.

This had now made the light stroke down the arm one of mine and Freya's favourite actions along with the Catpoo (don't ask) and the Snuggle.

Oh and it turns out that Frank and my Mother In Law went to the same school. Frank was the naughty kid who kept getting thrown out of assembly. My Mother In Law wanted to be him*.

Frank is on the wedding photos and is the guy with the Colonel Sanders goatee.

* Due to me writing this on my iPhone this originally said 'wanted to be jim'.

Amusing Wedding Story Number Two

As listeners to the Adam & Joe show on BBC Radio Six will know, one of their catchphrases is "I'm going to have a party Pom Pom, it's going to be a Poo Poo Party Pom Pom". Myself and Freya have been using it for a while and have been finding it rather amusing.

We decided to write our own wedding vows to make it memorable and also for me to finally have something to do regarding the wedding. However, I soon noticed that this meant I would have to write something that was meaningful and, as readers of this blog have found out, my writing is totally rubbish.

Luckily I had an afternoon to go to my dentist (star of the Awful Wedding Story - coming soon!) and spent a nice sunny May day in Harrogate's Valley Gardens racking my brains of good vow words. Eventually I had something figured out. It didn't sound cheesy, it didn't sound over the top, it sounded exactly how I felt about Freya.

And then I added a line asking if Freya wanted a Poo Poo Party Pom Pom?



I managed to memorise the vow, but thought I'd best take the piece of paper I'd written on along in case I had an attack of brain nerves.

On the day of the wedding I had to meet the registrar and state that I was marrying Freya for the right reasons and other official things. Then she asked if I had my vows. I said I did and reluctantly handed over the paper. The registrar seemed a very officious person and didn't seem like someone who would appreciate the humour in my words. Luckily my brother did and started giggling uncontrollably. Which then started me off. Which made the registrar more po-faced.

Luckily she decided that we were ok to get married (I suspect she realised that Freya already knew I was an idiot but still liked me) and the ceremony went ahead without any problems. Well, apart from the other two Amusing Wedding Stories and the Awful Wedding Story.

Amusing Wedding Story Number One

I got married a few weeks back. It was very good. I kept smiling all the way through it, which is very unlike me. The whole thing went smoothly and we both enjoyed ourselves so much.

However:



We were having our First Official Dancey-Dance as a married couple to Nick Cave's Breathless. To be honest we were rather stilted in our movements, but it was very sweet as we were both singing to each other. We were staring into each other eyes when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was my new Father and Step Mother in law. We were confused. They told us that they were leaving and wanted to thank us for a great evening. Errm, ok, but couldn't you have told us this in about one minute and fifteen seconds?

What made it even stranger was that they then spent about ten minutes saying goodbye to everyone else! Apparently my cousin Kate told my brother/best man Tom to go over and stop them, but my SMIL just gave him a massive hug and he was so speechless he couldn't do anything.

I reckon that they were both upstairs when we said it was going to be our first dance and they thought we had been on the dancefloor for a while. Still you'd have thought they could've waited. Ah well.

At the time I was baffled by it, but now it has morphed into Amusing Wedding Story Number One. I think there are two more Amusing Wedding Stories and one Slightly Upsetting Wedding Story to come.

In other news I have handed in my notice and will become a Finance Analyst for a company that is in Britain and primarily looks after Gas. I have no idea if this is A Good Thing or Not, but it will be a change. Expect complaining by about the 22nd July.

Son of my Lather

Mallory's post about laundry reminded Bloodredroses about laundry which reminded me about laundry. I was at Uni, which is never the cleanest period of anyone's life, however I always made sure I had clean pants, socks and t-shirts. This meant going to the laundrette at my halls and putting some money in the machines.

Pic stolen from Image Zen

As this was my first time doing my own washing I was sure of the etiquette. It was rather a small room, but I didn't want to leave my clothes on their own (who knows if a 90 minutes 'different class' t-shirt can hack it by itself?) so I took my copy of The Beach along and started reading. As people kept coming in and leaving I realised I had made a major laundrette faux pax - I was meant to go back to my halls and return when my clothes had finished.

So I started to do this and all was well. I even progressed to the part where I could time to the exact minute when my washing and drying would be finished so I didn't have to waste any time. This meant though that sometimes I would have to wait for a dryer to be free, and sometimes took clothes out of a finished dryer and left them on the side for their owner to collect them.

This was how I ended up with no pants.

I took some clothes out and left them on the side. Then put my pants and socks in to be dried. When I returned to my drier there were no pants. Or socks. But the clothes I had taken out were still on the side. I suspected the owner of these clothes had just gone into the dryer but didn't check if they were his. But surely he would have noticed?

Either way this left me down to one pair of clean pants and I'm not the boy who will get run over with dirty pants so I had to go to the market to buy some. I kept going back to the laundrette to see if my washing turned up, but over the weekend it hadn't. How could someone not have noticed that my clothes weren't theirs? The other clothes were still there as well.

Luckily on Monday a swap had taken place and my pants had returned in a black bin bag (luckily not one used for trashbagging by Blade Braxton). Unfortunately they were still damp and therefore needed another wash.

My theory on this happened was this:

• Other washer had to leave for the weekend and asked his mate to get his clothes from the drier.
• Mate takes clothes out. Realises they're damp but doesn't really care, doing this is favour enough.
• Other washer comes back from weekend away, looks at clothes. They aren't his.
• Luckily someone has KINDLY AND THOUGHTFULLY left their clothes on the side so he swaps them

Still you live and learn, so I went back to being the nerd reading books in the laundrette. Although I bought a GameBoy Color and started playing Mario Golf not long after.

In other news I only have five days left until I'm married. Yay!

And http://tv.timbormans.com/ is a good youtube/last.fm mashup. Search for uppi17 and enjoy!

Stars on your thighs

Well it turns out the fretting over the non-arrival of the Word CD was for nought. They've sent another one without any problems.



I don't like tattoos and find it hard to believe why someone would find it useful to have a reminder of their girlfriend's name on their arm, or of their favourite game character, or a Japanese kanji symbol that they're not quite sure what it means. But at least they're original. Something that not many other people will have. Which is why I really don't understand why so many people are getting five pointed stars for tattoos.

It seems that the people who get these are the emo kids. But it's pretty obvious if you're an emo kid without having to have a tattoo on your arm. Especially one of a really rubbish star.

And why are they all five pointed stars? What's wrong with the six pointed star (er your link explains that - ed)? Or even the eight pointed star? Now it could be argued that they're pentagrams and therefore highly mystic. But they're not connected. Instead you look like a military buff. With a dodgy haircut.

The main problem I have with the stars is that they remind me of the bit in Ghostbusters where Bill Murray is testing a girl and a boy at ESP using cards. Now if all these people got tattoos in reference to Ghostbusters that makes sense, but why hide it in such an obscure manner? I asked someone if my theory was true. He replied, "that it's true - this man has no dick" which was obviously some stupid in joke I didn't understand. I left him and played Zool on my CD32.

Cheerio!

Let's all Mux up in the year 2000

During my day off where I managed to get two women fighting over cutting my hair, had a argument over what lenses to have in my glasses and ate an ice cream whilst walking along the River Ouse in the sunshine, I also completed the year 2000 for the Sweeping The Nation Muxtape Challenge.

For those of you who do know a Muxtape is an online page where you make a mixtape of up to twelve mp3s. For those of you who don't know Muxtape is what a South African calls the gaffer tape belonging to Michael.

Anyway here is the address for my muxtape:
http://uppi2000.muxtape.com/

Songs that narrowly missed qualification were:

• Lolly - Per Sempre Amore (the only song I can think of that's about Siamese twins - I'll explain later)
  
• The Soggy Bottom Boys - In Constant Sorrow (didn't really fit in with the other tracks)
• Aqua - Cartoon Heroes (too good for this compilation)
• Sugababes - Soul Sound (best Sugababes song ever)
• Gorky's Zygotic Mynci - The Blue Trees (eliminated because I couldn't remember a single song from it)
• Gomez - Getting Better (the only song I could remember from Abandoned Shopping Trolley Hotline, and it was a cover)
• Whistler - Faith In The Morning (see Gorky's Zygotic Mynci)
  

Gach!

I feel a bit bad writing this but I'm really annoyed with ("Word" - ed) magazine*. You see I took up their offer of a very cheap two year subscription. And then the next issue failed to arrive.

Luckily the nice lady on the subs line told me they'd send another copy out. Which did arrive. And was missing the free CD. (And was the 'standard' cover rather than the special subs edition - but I'm not too bothered about that (Oh and it missed the subs letter)) Now the magazine itself is the usual high quality, and contains a great picture of the girl from Guillemots, but I should have the free CD.

I'm in a nice car though. Should I ring up the nice lady and complain that they didn't send me the free CD or should I just shut up and enjoy the magazine whilst drinking my *OBVIOUS PLUG TO INCREASE READERS OF THE BLOG* crate of JBL's Mama Juwanna Boner Juice?

What am I talking about? I should stop being terribly English and complain.

* I'm sorry but The Word sounds awful for a magazine title. In fact, no magazine should have 'The' in the title. The NGamer? The Smash Hits? The Retro Gamer? The Edge? All sound much worse than if you removed the The.