Not 'Arf

The other I've noticed as I've got older is that my belly button fluff has stopped being dark, and is now white cotton. I have no logical reason for this, other than my belly button is racist. I apologise for it's actions.

Premature Awake-ation

I'm ill. As usual it's just a really bad cold/sore throat that has made me spend this weekend not doing a lot and falling asleep during the day. Now, I hate falling asleep during the day as I just feel it's a total waste of the day. Although considering I usually spend the weekend on the PC or the Wii, it's not that much more of a waste. Still, I consider falling asleep during the day to be very much an old man's game and always shy away from it.



This didn't used to matter as I would always spend the weekends waking up at around 11am. But recently I've been waking up around the same times I do to go to work, which is 6.15am. And my body can't take it.

I have a few reasons for this. One is that our bedroom curtains are feeble, and let the light in at the earliest opportunity. I spent eight years living in Germany where they use heavy duty blinds and you wouldn't have a clue what time it was when you woke up. So you went back to sleep.

Also, next door have a really screamy kid. We have thin walls. This combination results in an alarm that is worse than the Meatballs alarm ringtone I made. And unfortunately, Sophie doesn't have a snooze button.

The other thing is, by noticing, this I've realised I'm getting old. I'm at ease with it though as sleeping appears to be the only problem I have with it.

Hair in my nose? When you graze your nostril and feel an unusually long hair, it feels great to pull it out. Plus it's stopped me from picking my nose so much as this is more fun.

Going bald? Yeah I could do without touching places where my hair was and finding nothing there, but it happens. Plus I'm starting to get Mr. Fantastic style grey side bit, which I reckon look alright.

A large belly? That seems to have stopped since I quit booze. Walking to the train station also helps.

But waking up before seven on a weekend? That's just wrong. Going to sleep when you could be watching Hole in the Wall? What a waste of time!

P.S. I realise this blog has made little to no sense. But I point you to my first sentence. I'm ill. Do you people not have any compassion?

Delivery Error

The great thing about the postal service (not the band, who are good, but won't help my argument) is that you pay some money and they will send your parcel anywhere. Now if you want it sending to the other side of the world then it will cost more & if you want it arriving quicker it will also cost more. However, I feel that these are sound reasons to pay more.



Now, it's coming up to my Lovely Wife's birthday and I wish to buy her something nice. And therefore I have found something that is perfect for her*. Except there's one problem: The company don't deliver to the UK.

I'm not asking for you to charge the same amount that you do for American deliveries. I'm not even asking to be treated as a Canadian. Even if you said "It will cost an extra twenty quid to send" I wouldn't mind. At least I'd have the choice to say no.

So either I have to find something else that Freya would like or I could ask the people I know who live in America, see if they will allow me to get it sent to their house and then ask them to send it on. Which is people who read this blog pretty much. So please people of America (and Canadia), help a loving husband out? Obviously all fees will be reimbursed and if you need some English sweets sending over I will be happy to help.

The other thing is: Does a website already provide this service? Because I reckon there could be a gap in the market for this. I'm going to give Duncan Bannatyne a ring and see if he's in. If not, I'll probably get his answering machine.

* I'm unable to say what as she'll no doubt pick this as the one time to read my blog this year. I love you Freya!

Safe sex doesn't mean no sex

OK. I understand the reasoning behind condoms. They prevent sexually transmitted diseases, they help prevent you getting someone pregnant and they can be used as a really awful balloon. So if a main reason is to stop reproduction why are my condoms multiplying?

I don't mean condoms of the winky-guard type, but the Wiimote condoms that stop you scratching your table whilst playing Wii Sports (and thus requiring the services of a French polisher). I bought my Wii before all Wiimotes came with these protectors, so e-mailed Ninty asking for them to send me two.

I received some in February. Then another pair in March. And another pair in June (in fact whilst we were on honeymoon). Now, I sent the extra ones back to Codestorm (the Ninty Service Center bods) and didn't hear back from them.

Until today, obv. When I recieved another pair. This time I have had to resort to the Sternly Worded (But With Some Humour To Show I'm Not A Massive Moaner) E-mail. Hopefully I can go another three months without hearing about them.

Freya was thinking I could sell them on ebay, but as everyone is entitled to some Wii condoms for free I doubt I'd get much money for them. However, Matt Biebly did send me two copies of Deathray Issue One by accident so I will hoarding them. Or perhaps I could give them to the Super Lehmann Brothers so they can clear their massive debts. I am a philanthropist after all.

Anyway ignore all that, and watch this. I promise it's better than Maude:

Women in politics

I do like how the American presidential race is now sexist and racist.  Of course the seventies were much more enlightened.  As my following clip will prove.



The best thing about it is that they spend 30 seconds singing about why women are great.  And then the only thing they have for the star is "And then there's Maude" for about 15 seconds.  Freya thinks it's ironical, but I'm certain irony was discovered in the mid 80s when I started to talk.

Still alive. Still unable to write.

So I'm not dead.  I'm just rather busy with work and don't have time thinking of witty stuff to say.  Not that that hasn't stopped me before, natch.

I do have some stuff to write about though.  I'm going to talk about annoying things about gigs, annoying things about commuting on the train and annoying things about having crap skin.  At least one of those will contain a half-decent joke, all will contain observations that most bloggers have mentioned before.  However I GUARANTEE mine will have more self-deprecating references than any of my rivals!

The latest issue of Deathray says that there are writing jobs available.  This means that I start to wonder about how life would be if I did become a writer rather than an accountant.  And you know what?  I'd still be an accountant, it just would have taken me an extra year to qualify after I wasted twelve months doing something I'm crap at.  Well, not terribly good at.

Still part of me wishes I did have some non office based job.  Like working at a magazine.  In an office.  Or at least something where I can have fun through other methods rather than making slightly sarcastic comments.

I did like my comment in the team meeting though where H* was talking about our big boss.
"He's cool though - he likes Scouting for Girls."
"Yeah.  But he meant it as an activity."

I realise that this is another joke that loads of bloggers have made.  But did they make it in a work based environment? DID THEY? Man, I'm tired.

* Using the initials to avoid libel, unfortunately I do not work with H from Steps.